"WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH."
Consoles suck xD... also... Hail Satan.
Look on, you bleary-eyed console peasants, and witness the gospel truth being unveiled before you. However, you should know, before I grace you with such divine truth, that I pity you and your filthy, uncivilised kin. I always have. I once looked upon your kind with revulsion – as one would’ve reviled a leper years ago.
But then I realised… that these “people”. These Nintendrones, these Xbots, and Sonyfags – all advocates of heretical hardware – could still be saved. Our Lord Gabe Newell, henceforth known as Lord Gaben, saw fit to grant me purpose – purpose beyond my innate superiority as a being of the Master Race. This purpose: to bring as many heretics unto his heavenly bosom as possible. To let them be engulfed by the majesty of his ever undulating mass and, if they be worthy, to swim within the seas of his sacrosanct Steam Sales.
Only one blessed by Lord Gaben could fulfil the destiny laid out before me. My existence is no mere coincidence, as you can imagine. I was chosen, you see.
Our Lord works in mysterious ways and, in his infinite blubbery grace, he chose to cast his meaty – uh, I mean mighty – gaze upon my mother. The effect was instantaneous: my immediate and spontaneous conception. A miracle pregnancy, not unlike the Virgin Mary’s, had taken place. The progeny of Lord Gaben had been sown.
I emerged from the womb, radiating a brilliant luminescence that only my race can, wielding the tools of your ultimate salvation – the mighty keyboard, and the ever nimble mouse. Due to my vice-like gamer grip, the doctors were unable to pry them from my newborn hands. Like Excalibur sheathed in its stone prison, so too was it prophesied that these tools were forged for use by my hands. My fully fledged, dorito stained neckbeard all but confirmed it – I was the second coming: the PC Gaming Messiah. With this title, came great responsibility – for I was entrusted, by the ever-rotund Lord Gaben, with both the sacred words and the Half-Life 3 release date. While I cannot reveal the date, even to my brethren, I can say that it will be worth the weight. The sacred words, however…
These were the words that shook the foundations of the Console Empires, causing them to crumble unto their corrupted 3.2GHz cores. Sages and scribes the world over took up quill and ink to record what was to become our sacred text (These sages and scribes were later chastised and executed for not using PCs to record these words, and rightly so).
We’re pretty sure these words were taken as a declaration of war by the Console Empires. This cataclysmic clash of hardware was to henceforth be known as ‘The Console Wars’. As always, the PC Master Race had the superior firepower – we had technology either never, or rarely, seen on console releases. High resolution textures, anti-aliasing, anisotropic filtering, motion blur, an acceptable FoV – we had more armaments than the PS3 had games.
Though, admittedly, we weren’t really involved in this war per se. We were, uh, biding our time – waiting for the opportune time to strike!
Who am I kidding? We were essentially sidelined. But even in our dormancy, we remained vigilant. We pioneered great pirate vessels, amassing our fleets for voyages across the world-wide web – “torrents”, we called them. We pillaged and plundered without mercy, routing out vast treasure troves of gaming. The PC Master Race’s dominion grew as our collective games lists expanded. Wayward indie games were the easiest target – they floated adrift in an ocean full of AAA releases, without even the slightest hint of DRM-plated protection. So naive and so innocent — they were ripe for the picking. The larger releases took elite crack squadrons to rapidly strip down their protective layering. In the end, however, all games within the charted internets had been successfully assimilated. Yet suddenly… the releases ceased entirely. We traversed uncharted internets in search of the new, great promised PC releases, but after much searching… We realised there were none. They simply weren’t coming anymore. PC releases had been deemed an unprofitable venture. The nerve of those developers! Our kind did not take this slight lightly.
The events that followed were to forever be known as “The Great Petitioning”. Our race’s tenacity was such that we would not brook such failure. As is our nature, we knew that we were entitled to more than the meagre morsels we had taken. We took it upon ourselves to become a pestilence of petitions, a sweeping nuisance that developers simply could not ignore. We demanded the exclusive games we had been denied time and again and eventually, and I mean eventually, our persistence paid off.
By these accounts, it may sound like our presence was of little consequence in the war – but let it be known that the Master Race said and thought nasty things about those dirty console peasants. We had honed our trash-talking capabilities for this very purpose, and we’re fairly certain we lessened morale on both sides. Or at least hurt their feelings.
The war was generally considered to be visually horrific and was fought at an abysmal 30 FPS – with controllers, no less. Combatants and spectators alike complained about the low resolution textures and general aesthetic of the bloodshed.
The casualties of this senseless war? Visual fidelity, original and creative concepts, customer-developer relations and, of course, the peasants’ egos.
It seemed the Age of Consoles was over. Gaming famine was rife throughout the land. The console peasants looked up and shouted “Save us!”… and the developers looked down and whispered “No gaemz”. The peasants had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of the glorious PC Gaming Master Race. But instead they chose mediocrity and casual gaming.
To close my appeal to all you dirty console peasants out there, I offer you this: the recitation of our sacred chant. If you are not swayed by these words, I fear you may be too far gone.
Shield your eyes, if you must. Avert them entirely, if you feel you are unworthy. At the very least, squint them a little.
Behold the sacred words, our grand truth:
‘Consoles suck xD’
Disclaimer: This journalistic article is super serious and not in any way satirical. These are the actual beliefs of the author.
Disclaimer II: Disclaim Harder: The previous disclaimer is sarcastic and this article is, in fact, satirical.
"WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH."
Consoles suck xD... also... Hail Satan.
I'm not sure if this is serious - hopefully it's ironic :). If so, it's funny, if a little convoluted (so not easy to tell if serious or not) :). If serious, then someone's got a little too much time on their hands, and not enough perspective ;).
Because of Uncharted, The Last of Us, Yakuza, Marvel vs Capcom 3, Valkyria Chronicles, etc. Because my friends are not on the PC. Because PC can be hooked to an HDTV but you still need keyboard and mouse. Because PC towers are huge and I don't have that kind of space under my TV. Because PC games are not as optimized as console games so you always run into issues where you need to be constantly checking on the latest drivers from Nvidia, AMD, etc. Because PC is mostly digital and I like to own my games. Because PC gaming is not a cheap as people make it out to be, it's only cheap when you're savvy enough and know when to buy parts at a bargain, otherwise is much more expensive than a PS4.
@Axe99 This was, indeed, a comedy piece. I'm glad you found it amusing. I'm curious, however, as to what you found to be convoluted?
@wishingW3L the master race frowns upon thee.
Because you like playinf overrated casualized crap. because you like having the DELUSSION of better visuals on a HDTV that cant run on 1080p, becuase you dont reallize pcs can use controllers, because the towers are not huge, because games run on low pc settings on consoles, because nvidia and amd updated automaticly, because digital distrubition is the future, because pc gaming IS cheaper thanks to steam deals and cheaper games and because you dont need to "buy" a pc just upgrade your current one and it will cost you less than a ps4.
@Axe99 Thank you. I appreciate the feedback.
@JutoKuto @wishingW3L There are many arguments in favour of PC gaming, but when the most popular games on PC are the likes of LoL, Dota 2, TF2 and Counter-Strike, then suggesting consoles are somehow 'casualised crap' is stretching it a little. Sure, there are awesome, deep experiences like Europa Universalis and Hearts of Iron, but most PC gamers are busy playing casual shooters/MOBAs/MMOs/World of Tanks (A MOBA is a simplified - ie, casualised - RTS title). Until PC gamers show signs of actually start playing DCS Warthog and Victoria 2 in significant numbers, there's no indication they're any less or more casual than console gamers.
@JutoKuto @wishingW3LYes. Thank you JutoKuto, I didn't want to waste my time on this one. The "Have to do anything" concept doesn't exist on the PC.. we can plug a controller in while mapping any buttons we want to it indepedantly without the game saying so.. or install a console emulator to play any console we like with little effort. There are no limitations to the PC. Also I wanted to add that I run my Resolution 2540x1440, PC's have been beyond even 1080P resolution for the past almost 10 years. When people say consoles are behind, its the biggest understatement of the decade, literally. Yes I can build a PC for less than the console price and have the ability to do 10 fold what a console can do. I can also buy any games brand-NEW starting at 10$ less with more content, quality, and customization.
However with all this said, I may buy a PS4 just to play with a certain group of friends.. why not? I'm not against consoles AT ALL, like MOST PC PLAYERS, they are just literally speaking the truth. People forget that there is a HUGE difference between arrogance and TRUTH. Obviously we are not going to lie about PC just to make others feel better about their decisions.. the truth is the truth, and the TRUTH does not care about peoples feelings, or thoughts.
@Axe99 Well. Either way, I'm flattered that you enjoyed it. Hope you'll be reading future articles!